Life, Death & Mourning

I got an unexpected call from mom Sunday night giving me the tragic news that my cousin Toby had died in a strange accident, leaving behind a husband, two small boys, and an obviously shocked family. Not really sure what else to say or how to respond, I ended the conversation soon after that and retreated to my room to think and pray.

Having experienced loss while abroad before, I was prepared for the mixture of shock and helplessness that I encountered upon hearing the news, and I went to bed without talking much about it. Like so many problems at home that are easy to avoid here, I didn’t have to face this now -when the feelings were close enough to affect your emotions and cause sad reflection, but not close enough physically to officially mourn the loss, knowing that her absence upon returning to the States would reduce me to the despondent state of shock that everyone else had already experienced and dealt with. I had just been thinking about Toby that week and reflecting on our childhood Thanksgiving adventures and annual “cousin sleepovers” afterward, and I was immediately filled with a desire to go home and be with my family, while so obviously unable to do so.

The next day, I was planning lessons with Katie Byrne in her room when she asked me if I wouldn’t mind praying with her. We began talking about various joys and concerns, and Toby’s death came up in the discussion about the possibility of staying to teach at Nad Aleji again next year. Being the incredible and supportive friend that she is, Katie offered her condolences and focused on praying for Toby’s family. In her prayer, her words struck us both dumfounded mid-sentence, but we finished praying before we discussed it. She had pleaded with the Lord for understanding as to why He would choose to take the life of someone so young, someone’s Katie’s age, with no immediately apparent reason. Obviously realizing the implications of what she had just asked given her recent history provided the prayer request with added strength…or maybe even an answer.

Here was a girl Toby’s age who, miraculously through the power of prayer and grace, had been saved from the almost certain death only a few weeks before - given a second chance in life and devotion - praying for understanding about Toby’s death. We both realized that it could have easily been her life I was mourning, and, in that moment, the Lord solidified my faith that I was there (in Katie’s room, in Prague, in the Czech Republic) for a reason and for such a time as this - to have these discussions, to encourage and support each other, even though I was mourning Toby’s loss and missing my family terribly in the same instance.

On a train to Bratislava a few days later on my way to get my work visa, winding through the snow-covered Czech countryside, it made me think about all the opportunities for life and for Life in this country, despite the seeming burden of winter’s death that sets a somber tone in the once-green landscape now littered with bare branches. But did those opportunities include me?

My friend Haley who’s making the same difficult decision about leaving spoke words of wisdom to me, though they were meant more for her own hears than for mine. “There will always be a period of mourning when you leave somewhere you love, where you feel like you’re making a difference, and you have to say goodbye to all the people and circumstances that have changed you during your time there.” Just like losing people we love, we have to move on when we know its right and trust that the people and memories we leave behind will go on to the better places that wait for them, and we must use what they taught us in the next stage of our lives as well.

So, I must decide if that is the case for me this time. I can only admit that I’m scared either way, especially knowing that the mourning will be more acute when I return home. The comforting news is that I know life here will go on without me, and God’s work will continue here without me. I can rejoice in that knowledge and embrace the time with people here that I love instead of mourning my possible departure while still together.