Walking Through that Door

Last weekend all of my roommates left for the ESI end of the year retreat - a serious case of déjà vu for me, even though I didn’t attend. At this time last year I hadn’t made my decision yet to return for a second year, and I remember how painful it was to attend the seminars for people going back to the States when both of my teammates were upstairs debriefing with the returning teachers. Everyone in my group seemed so peaceful about their decision to go home, but I was falling apart inside.

It was an emotional battle for me as I mourned the loss of all the things that I wanted to come back for. My reasons for staying were skewed by selfish desires for community and security. At the end –of-the-year candlelighting ceremony, I distinctly remember lighting a candle and praying for Emily, the teacher replacing me the next year, symbolically and spiritually giving up Sokolov to God and releasing my future to Him.

God provided the means for me to return to the Czech Republic when I recognized the need to come back for the right reasons – the desire to serve Him and His purposes abroad a second year. He waited for me to reach that place because He knew that I would be called to give up all those things I wanted to come back for – friends, teammates, a boyfriend, students, my city – all noble, but all selfish if not approached with the desire to serve.

One of my roommates was going through some of these same emotions following this year’s retreat, and I listened to her recount word for word how I had felt last year, but this time with the understanding and wisdom of having come through it already. She had been so confident in her decision to return home until she had to face the reality of that decision, and so she began to question her reasoning. She had realized what she would lose next year, was beginning to face “missionary guilt” (the feeling that you are abandoning the people that you have invested so much time in because you are returning home), and confronting the reality that she would soon have to face things at home that she had been running away from.

“I feel like there’s a door with a sign above it that says, ‘This is really going to hurt’, and I don’t know why I’m walking through it!” she said through her tears. And I realized that I have the same fear.

Yes, it’s going to hurt – it’s going to be difficult to return to the USA and face a new future that’s uncertain and not as comfortable. But, I also have an incredible peace about the decision because of what I have learned this year. I’ve learned that my own desires are fleeting, always transitional. As comfortable as it would be to stay another year, this year taught me that I can’t depend on the concrete and relational things that would make it so “comfortable” – it’s just as transitional in its own way. The only reliable thing is following God’s desires, and I feel confident that His desire is not for me to be in the Czech Republic next year.

I’m going home because I know that God has taught and done with me what He wanted to here… at least for the time being. The new adventure will be going home and trusting that He will provide again.
I know that He will continue what He started here, whether it involves me or not, and that people after me will learn the same lessons that I did, just as my roommates are learning them now.

Last year, as I lit the candle for Emily, I left mine burning, simply adding an additional candle to the existing three that represented me and my teammates. I didn’t blow my candle out because it was not the end of the work God had done through me… it was simply a continuation. I can leave this country knowing that I can entrust the people I began relationships with to those serving in the years to come. It’s one big cycle, and I feel blessed that I got to be a part of it.

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Sokolov 2003-2004 (Brian, Beth, and Erin), with the addition of Joel and Emily.